Not my intention
by pieceofchocolate
Summary: I have switched to Archive of our own: Same name, find me there!
1. Right now, you're all I got

Link to continuation: /works/10613394/chapters/23470500

 ** _December 1975_**

 ** _(James)_**

''I don't understand why you would tell me that, mum. I am _always_ nice to her. I might not like her, but I do know how to act like a civilized human being.''

''Good'', said Mrs. Potter while checking on the bread in the oven. ''Use that knowledge.''

''No matter how much I love your sister'', James continued, ''it does not change the fact that her daughter is a complete pain in the a -''

''Language'', Mrs. Potter warned, but James saw in the reflection in the window how she could not help but smile a little. ''Your cousin talks a lot, like yourself. If you find her so horrible that you do not consider a nice family christmas is worth having to stand her for one day, you could have stayed at Hogwarts.''

''You know I would never do that to you, mum.'' James jumped up on the kitchen counter. ''You and dad would miss me too much.''

''You did it the past three years.''

''…so it was about time I came home, right?''

''I'm not complaining'', Mrs. Potter said, smiled and waved her wand. A pile of plates passed James head by a centimetre and flew out to the dining room.

No matter how much James loved spending Christmas at Hogwarts, there was something special about being back in his family home for the December holiday. He was not sure if it was the smell of cardemom, the sound of the radio that was playing Christmas songs twenty four hours a day, or maybe even the bickering about cousin Vilda, but everything felt a bit more _real -_ a bit more like Christmas.

In the middle of _Silent Night,_ the door bell rang.

''Please tell me it's not her already! You said they would not be here until tomorrow!'' said James and reached for an apple. His mother gave his hand a gentle slap.

''It's not them, and don't ruin your appetite. Dinner is in half an hour. Get the door, will you?''

''Fine. Just let me starve.''

James jumped down from the counter and went out in the hall to open for the unknown guest.

 _''_ _What are you doing here?''_

The boy stumbled in over the treshold. His clothes, soaked from the rain, left a puddle of water on the floor. His eyes were bloodshot, and James could not tell if it was from the rain or from crying.

''What happened, are you okay? You're not hurt or anything, are you?''

He did not get an immediate answer. A million other questions were running through his mind, but he chose to ignore them and pulled his friend in to a hug.

''I'm - I'm sorry'', was the first thing Sirius said. He was cold and wet, but James kept holding him.

''Shut up'', he said. ''Don't say you're sorry.''

He had been constantly worried about his friend since they said their goodbyes three days earlier - he had begged Sirius to come with him or at least stay at Hogwarts, but Sirius had been stubborn as always and told James that he made a promise to Regulus, and that he intended to keep it.

''I'm sorry'', Sirius said again. ''I didn't know where else to go.''

''Shut up'', James repeated. ''I'm just glad you're here.''

He let go of Sirius to step outside, grab his trunk and pull it inside. He closed the door behind him and the intense sound of rain faded. He turned to his friend again, and then he spot the giant purple mark on Sirius' cheek, right below his eye. By the time Sirius noticed that James was looking, it was too late - James had already reached out to get Sirius' hair out of the way and take a closer look.

''I'm going to kill him'', he said bitterly when he saw how swollen it was. ''I'm going to fucking kill him.'' Sirius looked away. ''Padfoot, do you want to tell me what happened?''

Instead of an answer, there were eyes full of tears. James put a comforting hand on his friends' arm and turned his head to the kitchen.

''Mum! Could you make some tea, please?'' He turned to Sirius. ''Let's get you warm and clean, shall we?''

''Tea?'' they heard Mrs. Potter's voice from the kitchen. ''But we haven't even had dinner yet!''

She showed up in the doorpost, and saw the boy in her doorway who looked back at her, scared and soaking wet. ''Oh, dear Lord…''

The woman, beautiful for her age, with the same brown eyes as her son, let go of the the cutlery she was holding and pulled Sirius in to a rib-cracking hug. James could see how Sirius was fighting the tears - Sirius, who always had to be the strong one, Sirius, who always had to be a champion.

''It's okay to cry, mate'', he said and put a friendly hand on Sirius back. ''We won't tell.''

He could feel that Sirius was now shaking. Mrs Potter, shorter than the boy, held him closer.

''You won't have to go back there again, Sirius'', she said calmly. ''I promise. You are safe here.''

James heard Sirius let out an involuntary sob.

''Th - thank you. Thank you.''

''James'', said Mrs. Potter. ''Prepare a bath and find some clean towels for your friend, will you?''

James nodded and disappeared up the stairs. He could still hear the voices from downstairs.

''Mrs Potter, I… I don't know what to… I'm so grateful.''

''Take a bath and put on some dry clothes. James will bring up some ice for you to put on that horrible blackeye.''

''Thank you, I…''

''Up you go'', she said. ''And you can call me Mia.''

When James came back after getting an ice pack and a cup of tea, Sirius was sitting on a chair in the bathroom, his hand playing with the warm water. He was wearing a white t-shirt, and James immediately saw the huge blood stains on his shoulder. After a quick decision to stay calm, he put the tea down and wrapped a towel around the ice pack.

''Here'', he said, forcing himself not to ask about the shoulder. ''Hold it to your cheek. And take your shirt off.''

''Prongs, I'm flattered, but I don't like you that way.''

''Not the time for jokes, Sirius. Let me take a look at it.'' He sat down at the edge of the bathtub as Sirius clumsily pulled the t-shirt off. James' stomach twinged as the wound was revealed.

''It's bad'', said James, trying to keep his face and voice calm, ''there are pieces of shattered glass. Does it hurt?''

''Nah'', said Sirius, and James ignored the lie. ''You don't have to do anything about it.''

''It's gonna get infected'', James insisted while he was looking for the right tools in the bathroom drawer. ''Just shut up. Or do you want me to ask mum? She'll ask questions.''

Sirius shook his head.

''I thought so'', said James. ''Sit still.''

With stable hands, he used a tweezer to pull out the small fragments of glass. Sirius stayed quiet, but James could see the muscles in his face twitching as he touched it.

''Are you sure it's okay that I just showed up?'' Sirius mumbled after a while. ''I mean, just before Christmas and everything.''

''Of course'', said James. ''We've told you a thousand times, the doors are always open for you here. And you heard mum. You won't have to go back there.''

''My mother wouldn't even let me in if I came back'', said Sirius bitterly, clenching his fist as James reached a sore point with the tweezer.

''You don't need her'', said James. ''I'll be your mother, goddammit!''

Sirius laughed. ''To be honest, Prongs, right now, you're all I got.''

''And hopefully, I will succeed in being all you need.'' Sirius let out a painful whimper. ''Sorry, did I hurt you?''

''It's fine'', said Sirius. He made a stupid attempt to take a look at the back of his own shoulder. ''Is it bad?''

''Well, it may look gross, but at least it's not very deep.'' James put some of the potion he had found on a clean tissue. ''This might sting a little.''

Sirius closed his eyes and bit his lip hard when James pressed the potion drenched tissue to the wound, but he did not let a single sound escape his lips.

''Done'', said James. He put the potion back and gently cleaned the tweezer. ''It's gonna be fine.''

''Thanks, mate'', said Sirius.

''Bathtub is full'', said James and put a gauze bandage roll on top of the cabinet. ''Wrap the wound with this when you're dry. Come down for dinner when you're ready, all right?''

Sirius nodded and smiled. James closed the door behind him and went down to the kitchen again.

''Is he hurt?'' said Mrs. Potter immediately while stirring her stew. ''I didn't want to attack him with too many questions as soon as he got in through the door, but I'm worried about him. Is he hurt?''

''A little'', said James. ''I took care of it.''

''Did he run away or did he get kicked out?''

''I don't know. He didn't seem ready to talk about it yet.''

''Oh, poor thing. I'm glad he showed up. I hate it when he's there.''

''Me too.''

James set the table and went up with Sirius' trunk to one of the guest rooms. The walls were plain and white - Mrs. Potter had always planned to make the room a little more homely, but other things had always come first. James made the bed with clean sheets and ran to get some of the Gryffindor flags and pictures of their friend group from his own room. He decorated the walls with them and put some pens from his dad's study into a mug and placed it on the desk. After he was done, the old guest room looked like a place where someone actually lived.

He went down again for dinner, said hello to his dad who was back from work, and after ten minutes, Sirius showed up in the dining hall. He was still pale and his cheek was still purple, but it was not as swollen as earlier, and his previously soaked, messy hair looked neat and tidy.

''Sirius!'' said Mr. Potter. ''It's great to see you, son, welcome! Sit down, eat something. The food is still warm, I think.''

Sirius lit up when he was greeted in this heartily way. He sat down at the table, not quite looking like he felt he belonged there, even though he had spent weeks with the Potters in years past.

''It's nice to see you too, Mr. Potter'', he smiled. ''The food looks amazing.''

''Call me Fleamont, boy, you're a part of the family'', said Mr. Potter and smiled back.

''You look like you haven't eaten in days'', said James, and his stomach twinged again when he realized he might be right. He loaded Sirius' plate with food and quickly changed the subject. ''We were just talking about dad's issues at work today.''

''This little kid was upset because his mother was too ill to come home for Christmas'', Mr. Potter told Sirius. ''Refused to move when the nurse tried to do her daily routine check-up with the patient. Wouldn't stop screaming. Poor Susanne almost had a nervous breakdown. I took the kid aside and tried to talk to him calmly.''

''And then what?''

''He calmed down and really seemed to listen!'' Mr. Potter continued.

''That's great, then, is it not?'' said Mrs. Potter.

''Until he threw a dungbomb in my face and ran away.''

James almost choked on his food. _''This kid is my idol!''_

''James, it's not funny!'' said Mrs. Potter while fighting her own laughter.

''It's fine. Once I had gotten the smell off me - and may I tell you, it took a couple of hours - everyone just felt sorry for me.''

''I'm sorry to tell you, dad, but I can still smell it.''

''It's not possible'', said Mr. Potter desperately, ''I showered for hours and put on brand new clothes.''

''James is right, dear'', said Mrs. Potter while involuntarily wrinkling her nose.

Sirius laughed and his eyes met James' across the table. James smiled back, promising himself that no one would ever hurt his best friend with impunity again as long as he was alive.

After dinner and hours of conversation, Mrs. Potter insisted that Sirius should go upstairs and make himself at home while the rest of the family cleaned up the dishes.

''Mum, can I sleep in the guest room? I really don't want him to feel lonely. Not tonight.''

''Of course'', said Mrs. Potter. ''But don't get used to it - you two will just stay up talking all night.''

''We live in the same room all year 'round, remember?''

''Yes, and I do get weekly reports from Minerva McGonagall about your nightly adventures.''

''Anyway'', said James, suddenly eager to change the subject. ''Where is the extra bed?''

''Under the bed in the guest room'', said Mrs. Potter. ''I'll help you. You were right, you should sleep there - I remember he told me he gets nightmares after the holidays at home.''

''Poor kid'', said Mr. Potter while lighting a cigarette. ''I adore that boy. Good thing he finally got away from them - I met Orion at the hospital a couple of weeks ago. Horrible man. I pity his liver.''

''I pity his family'', said James.

''Hospital workers are not allowed to talk about their patients'', Mrs. Potter reminded her husband.

''What are we going to do?'' said Mr. Potter, ignoring her. ''With the boy?''

''Sirius is going to stay here'', said Mrs. Potter. ''With us.''

''As much as I approve, we can't do that, Euphemia'', said Mr. Potter. ''It doesn't work like that. There are rules about these things.''

''Sirius _wants_ to stay, dad'', said James.

''It's not up to him to decide, and neither is it up to us. no matter how welcome he is here'', said Mr. Potter bitterly. ''Sirius is not seventeen yet.''

''As awful as it is, I don't think his parents would come looking for him'', James said. ''I really don't.''

''And if they do, then we report those monsters for child abuse and adopt him'', said Mrs. Potter sharply.

That settled it. There was no more discussion of the matter - Sirius Black was, and remained, a part of the Potter family.

James woke up that night, hearing panicked mumbles from the bed next to his. He soon realized that Sirius was talking in his sleep - his face was buried in his pillow, but James reached out to grab his hand. The mumbling soon turned into muffled sobs as the boy woke up, but James did not say anything. He stayed awake, holding his friend's hand, until he was sure that the boy had fallen back to sleep.


	2. Yet, you love me

**_December 1975 - January 1976_**

 ** _(Sirius)_**

When Sirius woke up the next morning, the sun was already shining in through the window. The bed next to his was empty, and Sirius heard the sound of running water in the bathroom at the other side of the wall. He remembered that it was Christmas Day, and suddenly felt guilty for being there. This was a family holiday, and he did not belong here.

''Sirius?'' he heard a quiet voice from outside the door. ''Sirius, are you awake?''

''Yes'', he said. ''Come in.''

The door opened and Mr Potter stepped in.

''Merry Christmas'', he said with a smile, ''I brought up some coffee for you. There is toast downstairs when you feel hungry.''

''Did I sleep past breakfast?'' said Sirius, confused, because he was usually the first one up in the mornings.

''It's eleven o'clock. We thought we should let you sleep, there's no rush'', said Mr Potter. ''I brought the Daily Prophet for you. Guests are coming at one, lunch is at two. Did you sleep well?''

Sirius nodded, his chest warm. ''I did. Thank you. For the coffee. And everything.''

It was a wonderful Christmas. The notorious cousin Vilda was almost as annoying and loud as James had described her – but James managed to stay calm for the sake of Mrs Potter's poor nerves. The food was delicious and the atmosphere was lovely – there was a fuzzy warmth lingering around the table that Sirius had only experienced at one other place - Hogwarts.

James had already sent his present (a giftbox with useful and hilarious potions) with an owl to Grimmauld Place before Sirius had showed up, and it had not come back yet – but another owl had shown up earlier the same day, addressed to Sirius and James.

''That one came with a really worried letter'', said James and nodded towards the dark red box that Sirius was holding. ''I would write him a few lines, if I were you.''

Sirius turned the present and spotted Remus' handwriting on the label. ''How did he know I was here?''

''I told him'', said James. ''And Peter, too, but his answer is not back yet. It's a bit longer for the poor owl to fly.''

''What did you tell him?''

''Not much, I sent it last night. In his last letter, he said he had written to you and the owl returned, so he was worried that, you know...'' James paused. ''…that something had happened at Grimmauld Place. I just wrote that you had just showed up and I would talk to him when I knew more. And, you know Moony.''

''What did he answer?''

''Just a million of questions. Nothing important.''

''He worries too much'', said Sirius and carefully looked at the present in his hands.

''He does that'', said James. ''Besides, he has every reason to. Open it.''

Sirius carefully unwrapped the gift, and it took him a couple of seconds before he realized what Remus had sent him. He turned the book in his hands. A small note fell out. It only contained one word, and he laughed as he read it.

 _Sorry…_

''What is it?'' said James.

''You know how I said I hate reading and Remus made me read that muggle book by Steinbeck something and then he forced me to admit that I liked it? And then he made me read another book by a Hemingday something, and he forced me to admit that I liked that, too?''

''Yes. And then you had to admit that maybe reading wasn't so bad.''

''He said he had one last book to torture me with. His favourite.'' Sirius handed over the book.

 _''The picture of Dorian Gray''_ , said James as he read the cover _._ I remember this. He obsessed over it for weeks the first time he read it.''

''Sending me torture for Christmas'', said Sirius and let out a fake sigh while admiring the gold embroidered cover of the book. ''He's horrible.''

''What can we do?'' said James and smiled. ''We're stuck with him.''

''What did he get you?''

 _''Quidditch through the ages'',_ said James and handed it over. ''It's this new book. I saw it when I went with Remus to the Hogsmeade bookstore. Beautiful, isn't it?''

''Look at him. Trying to turn is in to intellectuals.''

''He would never. He knows we are already brilliant.''

''I think you both have something to learn from that boy'', said Mr Potter and smiled.

''Sirius, we thought we would not meet you until you both were going back to Hogwarts, so we planned on giving it to you at the train station, but this is even better'', said Mrs Potter and handed over a small box to Sirius. ''Open it!''

The box contained a classic watch with a white and silver clock-face, and a marine blue wristband.

''It's beautiful'', said Sirius breathlessly. ''You shouldn't have – ''

''It was my brother's'', said Mr Potter. ''And before him, it was our uncles. I'd like it to stay in the family.''

''But –'' said Sirius and looked at James, who waved his wrist which was already adorned by the brown and white watch that had belonged to his grandfather.

''Family? Didn't he move in, like, yesterday?'' said cousin Vilda. Sirius was still staring at the watch, somewhat unable to answer her, but James glared at her.

''He did. Finally'', said Mrs Potter, and Sirius silently admired her for her ability to put an end to any conversation she did not like.

''Thank you'', Sirius said. ''T – thank you…''

''Try it on'', said Mrs Potter. Sirius carefully took out the watch from the black box and put it around his wrist; it fit perfectly.

''And now'', said James and held up the two watches next to each other. ''Two generations later, the watches are back with two brothers.''

Sirius felt a lump of tears in his throat, and felt unable to utter a word.

''Did you know that every year since James was around three or four, his wishlist always contained the same thing?'' said Mr Potter. ''Every year, and always at the top of the list: _'a brother'.''_

''But then, he came home for Christmas after his first six months at Hogwarts, and the wish for a brother was replaced by a large box of dungbombs.''

''Said he already had one.'' Mr Potter smiled.

''You cheesy git'', said Sirius to James without looking up.

''And yet, you love me.''

The rest of the Christmas break went by a lot faster than Sirius had expected. Mrs Potter put in a lot of effort to turning the guest room in to Sirius' room, and a couple of weeks after his arrival, the walls had gone from white to red and the pictures that James had put there had been set in to frames and accompanied by many more. When Sirius came in and saw everything, he mainly felt anxiety and guilt – but Mrs Potter said firmly that if he was going to live with them, he was going to be a part of the family, and as the mother of that family, she considered it her duty to make sure that everyone had a lovely place to call their own. She made it so cozy and nice that Sirius was almost reluctant to go back to Hogwarts – but he felt better than he had felt in years, knowing that he would have a loving _home_ to come back to in the summer.

Sirius and James said goodbye to Mr and Mrs Potter at Platform 9 ¾ a few minutes before the train's departure, hoping to find their friends first, but Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew were nowhere to be found outside. Neither were they in the compartment that was the Marauders' personal space by now.

''Maybe Moony is in the prefects' compartment'', said Sirius.

''What about Peter?''

''Maybe he's running around as a rat again. You know how obsessed he is with his new powers.''

''Can you blame him? A rat, or even a dog, is so much more useful than being a _stag._ ''

Once they got to Hogwarts, they were both worried about the absence of their friends.

''Well, since they're both gone, we can at least assume that they are together.''

''Or Peter got lost and Remus had a seizure'', James speculated.

''And the odds of those two things happening at once?''

''Peter gets lost a lot. And many people get seizures at some point in their lives. It's not impossible.''

''Stop talking, Potter.''

The mystery was not solved until they reached their dormitory.

 _''How did you get here before us?''_

''It was easy'', said Remus and closed his book. ''Especially since I took the train two days ago. Peter came back yesterday.''

''You can do that?'' said James, confused.

''Don't tell me you didn't know.''

''Thanks for telling us'', said Sirius, put his bag down and started unbuttoning his jacket. ''James thought you were having a seizure and that Peter was being a rat.''

''Okay, so I was wrong!'' said James. ''Where is Peter, anyway?''

''Taking a nap. As a rat'', said Remus and nodded towards Peter's bed. ''He says he likes being tiny when he sleeps.''

''Half right!'' said James with triumph.

''I'm hungry'', said Sirius. ''Did you have dinner already?''

''No, we were waiting for you.'' Remus got up. ''Sirius, is everything all right with you?''

He did not ask the way he would ask James how his holidays had been, not in a _''Hi, how are things?''-_ way, he asked in the _''Tell me the truth or I will stare into your soul''-_ way that Sirius found somewhat terrifying.

Sirius looked away. ''Everything is fine, how was your Christmas?''

''Padfoot'', said Remus carefully, ''what happened? Or do you not wanna talk about it?''

''Nothing to talk about'', said Sirius lightly. ''Wake Wormtail up, will you? I'm starving. I'll be right back. Need to clean up a bit.''

He disappeared in to the bathroom and washed his face with cold water while listening to the voices that thought he could not hear them.

''It's not you, Moony. I promise.''

''I hope so… How's he been?''

''It took him a few days to adjust, but now he just seems relieved.''

''Was he hurt? Physically?''

''No more than usual. Wound from a glass bottle. A blackeye. It's fixed.''

''What should we do?''

''You know Sirius. He will act like nothing and then it will all burst. I think that we can just be there for him when it happens and until then, act normal.''

''God, I hate this.''

''Me too. How do you wake a rat up? Pull its tail? Wormtail, wake up. Wormtail!''

When they had gotten Peter out of bed, they made their way to the Great Hall where a lovely dinner was waiting. Sirius enjoyed being back at Hogwarts, he enjoyed the company of his friends and he enjoyed the fantastic food, but most of all, he enjoyed the fact that he had come from one happy place to another – with no feelings of running away from his problems or fearing the day he would have to return back home.

''And I didn't say anything, because, you know, mum asked me to stay nice'', said James who was in the middle of his annual rant about his cousin. ''But _Merlin_ I dreamt about strangling her after that.''

''I'm so jealous that Sirius got to meet her'', said Peter. ''The famous Vilda.''

''You should pity him instead'', said James. ''Sometimes I just wonder how she has lived for eighteen years and still no one stuffed her mouth with a really large pillow.''

''That's murder, Prongs'', Remus pointed out. ''Which is, in most cultures, considered wrong.''

''Shut up, Moony, I know that. I do have morals'', said James and noticed his friend across the table. ''Pads, what's wrong?''

Sirius ignored James' question and bent a little to the right in order to get a better view of something behind his friend's back.

''What's going on?'' said Peter, who was sitting next to James.

''It's Regulus'', said Remus, who had the same view as Sirius. When Regulus and his friends got up from the table, a terrified expression spread across Remus' and Sirius' faces, but before James had the time to ask what caused it, Sirius had gotten up and ran towards the Slytherin table.

 _''I'm going to fucking kill him!''_ Sirius screamed. ''What did he do?''

 _''Idiot!''_ his brother hissed. ''Stop yelling, people are looking.''

He made an attempt to leave the hall, but Sirius pushed him back.

''Fine'', Sirius said with a lower voice. ''What happened? Why did he hurt you?''

''What do you care?'' said Regulus. ''Would you let me leave, please? You're embarrassing me. And yourself, but I suppose you stopped caring about that a long time ago.''

''Reg, don't be a prat, let me help you.''

Then things went very quickly. Before Sirius had realized what happened, he was on the floor, and he saw stars, his face hurt and suddenly James was in front of him while trembling arms were helping him up.

 _''Careful, Black!''_ he heard James yell and Regulus backed as the black-haired boy approached him. ''If you _touch_ him again…''

''You're gonna what?'' said Regulus. ''What are you gonna do, Potter?''

''Bad idea'', said Remus' voice in Sirius' ear. ''What are they doing? _Here_ of all places? Sirius, can you hear me? You look dizzy.''

Sirius nodded and shook his head in an attempt to make the stars disappear. He was not fully aware of what was happening but suddenly, Remus had left his side and went forward to stop the ongoing scene.

 _''James! James, you can't –''_

Sirius gained his senses back soon enough to see Remus push James out of the Great Hall, with Regulus coming after them and a terrified Peter a few steps behind. He looked around. A few heads had turned from the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables, but most people had not noticed.

With a cheek and nose still aching, he stumbled out of the Great Hall after his friends.

''Don't'', he growled as he saw the younger version of himself standing with his wand pointed at James. ''You're mad at me, not them.''

Regulus did not change his position, but he looked up. Sirius walked up to him in a quick pace, and as soon as he could reach, pushed him – Regulus stumbled, but did not fall.

''Do it again, I dare you,'' Sirius incited. ''What are you hitting your old brother for?''

''Nothing'', said Regulus and looked away. ''Leave me alone.''

''Sirius, stop it, you're bleeding'', said Remus, but Sirius pushed his brother again.

''What, Regulus? Tell me why you're so mad, please. Is it because of mum and dad? Did you tell them the truth about what happened that night? Did they beat you up?''

''Sirius, I'm –''

''Did you tell them that the reason they hit me is because I protected your stupid ass? Or did you forget that as well while taking their side?''

''You don't get it!'' Regulus voice had reached an incredibly high pitch. ''They would have killed me!''

''You're right'', said Sirius, ''getting hit by a glass bottle would have been pretty damn painful. I'm so glad you got out of that one.''

''They don't expect things like this from me'', said Regulus.

''Correct once again'', said Sirius. ''Might as well put it on the white sheep in the Black family.''

''Sirius, I'm sorry!''

''You're sorry, so you _punch_ me?''

''You kept asking about my black-eye!''

''So you wanted to make sure I got one, as well?''

''I hate when people act like they care'', said Regulus. ''Because they never do. If you cared, you wouldn't have left.''

The sound of a slap – but this time, it was Sirius' hand hitting Regulus' face.

''That's it'', said James, and he and Remus went up to remove Sirius from the situation.

 _''How dare you!''_ Sirius screamed. _''How fucking dare you? How can you stand there and say that I don't care?''_

''Come on, Padfoot, let's go'', said James.

''He's not worth it'', said Remus. ''Let it be.''

Sirius ignored them. _''How can you say that when I stayed for you? How can you tell me that, when I kept coming back every damn summer, and even during Christmas, for God's sake, instead of going to a loving family that cared about me, because YOU asked me to? How can you say I don't care about you, when the final reason I had to leave was because I told them it was my letter?''_

''Let's go'', said James again, grabbing Sirius' left arm.

 _''I would have asked you to come with me if I had run away – years ago!''_

 _''Take me with you now then!''_

''I don't need you with me! I don't want you with me! I left, I have a new family, a better family, a real family, and you are all nothing but a bunch of mentally unstable Voldemort-loving alcoholics, scared of everything that is different, and you yourself are just like the whole lot of them.''

 _''Don't say that!''_ Regulus cried. ''They're your family! _I'm_ your family!''

''Sirius, we're leaving!'' said Remus. 

_''YOU'RE NOT MY FAMILY! THEY ARE MY FAMILY!''_ Sirius loosened himself from James' grip and pointed at his friends. And finally, Regulus went silent for a while.

''They don't know anything about you'', he then said, stepping forward. ''And when they find out who you really are, you're gonna be on your own. And you're gonna be –''

'' - happier than I ever was as your brother'', Sirius interrupted him, but his voice was not as stable now – he could hear that it was breaking as he spoke and he hoped the others would not notice. ''Now, Regulus, piss off, will you?''

Regulus stared at him for a couple of seconds while weighing his options. Then he let his eyes wander to the rest of the Marauders.

''You heard him'', said James with a ice cold voice, and Regulus threw one last look at Sirius before storming away down the corridor.


	3. Not like them

**_January, 1975_**

 ** _(Remus)_**

No matter how much Remus Lupin loved his friends, he valued the moments when they just assumed that he was studying. It gave him the opportunity to disappear for a couple of hours, completely able to ignore everything that caused chaos to his thoughts.

He enjoyed taking his time to find a comfortable place to sit and curled up in a huge armchair where he brought up his notebook and pen. The peace did not last very long – only a few minutes later, someone sat down in the chair next to his. He looked up to see Lily Evans heave her bag on the table and smile at him.

''Remus'', she said. ''Am I interrupting?''

''Not at all'', he answered and smiled back. ''Just… doing some… yeah.'' He closed his notebook and let it fall back in to his school bag.

''I see'', said Lily. ''How are things? How was your Christmas?''

''Just fine. Yours?''

''Great. I went skiing in Norway with my parents.''

''Cold?''

''Freezing. But wonderful.'' Lily threw a glance at the notebook that was still visible from Remus' bag. ''What are you working on? Is it a new story?''

 _''Schh!''_ hissed Remus, throwing glances around him to make sure no one had heard what Lily said. ''You promised you wouldn't tell!''

''No one is here'', she said, and sighed at Remus' paranoia. ''I won't tell anyone. But I don't know why you're so worried about it. Why is it so bad if people find out you write for fun? I do it too.''

''You don't get it'', said Remus, as he usually did when he did not feel like explaining himself.

''With you, it seems I never do'', said Lily. ''Would you let me read something, at least? We're friends!''

''We are friends, but no. It's not that good, anyway.''

''All good writers say that.''

''The shitty ones, too. It's just… personal. You write yourself. You should know what I'm talking about.''

''I guess.'' She shrugged and changed the subject: ''Your little gang caused kind of a scene yesterday in the Great hall.''

''Oh?'' said Remus, perfectly aware of what she was talking about, but highly unwilling to discuss it with her. He pulled a book out of his schoolbag and started browsing through the pages.

''Potter, Black and mini-Black. Not surprised by the first two.''

''You know what they say about chaotic boys'', said Remus, trying to direct his attention to the book he was holding. It was about potions - in other words, difficult enough already without having Lily next to him, trying to suck some details out of him.

''What?''

''That they're… you know, chaotic.''

Lily stared at him until he felt forced to look up and meet her eyes. ''I guess. What was going on? What happened?''

''Oh, nothing'', said Remus and shrugged. ''Brothers fight.''

''Regulus had a black-eye.''

''Did he?''

''Stop acting dumb, Lupin.''

''What do you want me to tell you?'' said Remus, a bit nervous about the direction in which the conversation was heading.

''Are their parents abusing them?'' Lily continued stubbornly. ''The thought crossed my mind before. I've seen Black - always coming back after summer with marks and injuries. Always looking like he has not slept for weeks. And I heard him yesterday. He told Regulus that he was going to kill someone.''

''Sirius often claims he is going to kill someone'', sighed Remus. ''And then he usually cuts his finger on a paper or something and cries.''

''Is he all right?''

''It was only a paper cut, Lily.''

''Shut up. You know what I meant.''

''Sirius doesn't even live there anymore. He moved in with the Potters.''

''Did the Blacks kick him out? I know they disliked him, because he's in Gryffindor and everything, but…''

''Lily, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable talking about Sirius' private business behind his back. Just… ask him yourself. The boy sure talks a lot. He'd probably be more than happy to answer.''

''Fine'', she said. ''I didn't mean to be snoopy.''

''You mean well. Want to keep me company?''

''I'd love to. I was thinking about doing some writing myself.''

She opened her bag and pulled out a notebook much like the one Remus had just hidden from her. He wondered what she was writing, but after he declared his unwillingness to ever share his own, he stayed quiet. Her pen started moving quickly over the paper. Slowly but surely, he opened his own notebook, returning to the story he had been so caught up in, throwing glances every couple of seconds to make sure she was not looking.

He soon realized that the Evans girl had no hidden intentions, and he started to enjoy the silent company. Eventually, the library closed, and they walked together back to the common room.

''I like Slughorn'', said Lily defensively when Remus told her about the horrible comment that came with his D in Potions. ''He might be loud, and you know, _Slytherin_ and stuff, but I like him.''

''You're his favorite'', said Remus and rolled his eyes. ''He can't wait until you graduate so he can put you on his famous shelf.''

Lily laughed and the discussion continued until they reached the corridor with the portrait of the Fat Lady.

''You know what'', said Lily. ''I'm really glad Dumbledore picked us two as prefects. I really got to know you better.''

Remus, suddenly warm after these words of appreciation, smiled at her.

''Me too, Lily.''

''You're really bright. And kind and stuff. I always knew you weren't like them.''

The warmth was replaced by coldness in a second. He wanted to say something, he wanted to defend his friends, but he did not find the ability to utter a word.

''You don't know them'', he said after a few moments.

''I know I don't'', said Lily. ''But I know enough. And I just have to say… nah, I don't know. You're just better than them. _Plum tree._ ''

The portrait of the Fat Lady and the hole to the Gryffindor common room opened.

''That's not true'', said Remus, who was experiencing a weird mixture of feelings. He did not like the way Lily talked about his friends – especially since he knew that she was wrong. He knew that he did not possess half of James' brains or a third of Sirius' looks. Neither was he as understanding as Peter or as brave as any of them. He knew that he was lucky to have them as friends – he knew that he was lucky to have friends at all. At the same time, Lilys words made him feel validated in a way that he experienced as exciting in an almost forbidden way.

''I don't know what you see in them, to be honest. You can do better.''

''They're my friends!'' The guilt had taken over. ''You don't know what you're talking about! You don't know what they've done for me!''

''Maybe I don't'', said Lily and shrugged. She climbed in through the portrait hole. ''My point was, you're not like them.''

 _If she only knew how much I wish I were._

''Be careful with how you pick your friends, Remus. That's all.''

 _If she only knew that for me, there was never a choice._

He shook his head and climbed in after her, feeling guilty about the thought that had crossed his mind. It would not matter if there had been a choice – in every world, in every time, out of all people, he would have picked the Marauders.

''They're great'', Remus mumbled.

''Oh, come on'', said Lily. ''I just don't like the way they treat people who they consider as below them. I know you don't like it either.''

''They don't look down at others.''

''That is a lie.''

''I always tell them when they go too far.''

''But do they listen to you?''

Remus turned away from her, not sure what to do or how to act. A few heads had turned in the common room, and Lily lowered her voice as she walked after Remus and put her hand on his arm.

''Remus, I'm sorry. I know you love your friends.''

''And I know they cross the line sometimes. And I don't like it, but they'll grow out of it, all right?''

''Right'', said Lily, not looking entirely convinced. ''And I'm sorry if I upset you. Are we okay?''

''Of course'', said Remus lightly, trying to gather his mind. ''And I'm glad we're friends, too. You're really great, Lily, you are. Just… give the others a chance.''

Lily rolled her eyes. ''Fine.'' She smiled. ''Goodnight, Lupin.''

''Goodnight, Evans.''

Their paths separated and with heavy steps he walked up the stairs to his dormitory. For only a couple of seconds, he let her words sink in – _''You're not like them. You can do better.''_ The idea felt almost bizarre, but for a moment, he allowed himself to enjoy it. He was not too weak, too awkward, too much of a coward to be their friend. He could actually do _better._

And then he opened his door and faced a scene in which Sirius was struggling to breathe while laughing at James, who was holding a rat upside down in its tail.

''Poor Wormtail'', said James when he saw Remus enter the room. ''We think he got stuck again. He can't change back.''

''Maybe you're not making it any easier by letting him dangle upside down'', said Remus, smiled and put his bag down. He looked at his friends and felt the warmth and appreciation hit him as a wave, and he cursed himself for the thoughts he had let himself think. These people were his everything, and even if he had done nothing to deserve them, they saw the good in him, and he knew that was something to be eternally grateful for.

James tried a couple of spells to make Peter turn back to human again, but nothing seemed to work. The rat refused to stay still in his hand. Remus sat down next to Sirius, watched the ongoing scene, and decided to let James experiment as long as he was not a danger to himself or Peter.

''Where were you?'' said Sirius without taking his eyes off the rat.

''Me?''

''Who else would I be talking to?''

''Sorry. Library. With Lily.''

The rat shrieked as it was dropped and fell to the floor, but it managed to land on its feet.

''What?'' said James. ''What were you two doing?''

Remus, somewhat terrified by James' reaction, stared at him. ''We were studying.''

James looked at him for a few seconds. Then he looked back at Peter, who was giving him the angriest face possible for a rat.

''James?'' said Remus tentatively. ''We were studying.''

''You told me.''

''You didn't answer.''

''What am I supposed to say?'' asked James.

''You're the one who asked him'', Sirius pointed out and James glared at him as if he had just been betrayed. ''What did you think he was gonna answer, anyway? That he was snogging Evans in the library's restricted section?''

James did not answer.

''Are you mad at me?'' Remus asked him, anxiously.

''He's not mad at you'', said Sirius. ''He's jealous because Evans communicates with you in other ways than glaring.''

''I can speak for myself, thank you'', said James. ''Of course I am not mad at you, Moony. It's just… you know.''

''I don't fancy Lily'', said Remus.

''Not what I'm worried about.''

''Then what?''

James did not answer.

''Can I take this one?'' Sirius asked.

''Go ahead'', James grunted.

''He's worried that _she_ might fancy _you_ '', said Sirius and turned to Remus.

''That doesn't even make sense'', said Remus.

''You _have_ spent an awful lot of time with her lately'', Sirius pointed out.

''Prefect duties!'' Remus defended himself. ''She doesn't have a choice!''

''You were studying with her just now'', said Sirius.

Remus sighed. ''We're friends.''

''Evans always liked you'', said James.

''But not in _that_ way.''

''We don't know that'', said Sirius, unaffected.

''You're not helping, Padfoot'', said Remus.

''You don't have to defend yourself, mate'', said James. ''You haven't done anything. It's just… you know. The girl really doesn't like me. And then you're there, and, you know. Everything I'm not.''

Remus rolled his eyes.

''Exactly what qualities do you think a girl is looking for, James? Someone in sync with her monthly cycle?''

Sirius laughed. James was not amused.

''You're taller than I am'', said James. ''And way brighter.''

It was Remus' turn to laugh.

''I'm not brighter, I _study_ and therefore I get higher marks'', he said. ''Besides, I don't have your talent, charisma or looks. Height? I'll give you that one. Doesn't help if it means you're a walking stick. With scars.''

''Don't say that'', said James. ''You would get lots of girls if you only dared to talk to them.''

''Stop'', said Remus, flushing as the subject was brought up. ''We both know that isn't true and I don't want to hear it.''

''Remus…'' said James.

''Stop it'', Remus repeated, stood up and walked over to his bed. ''I know you always mean well, trying to make me feel better, but you're not helping. I know who I am. I know what I look like.''

''Moony!'' James stood up too and walked after him.

''Not helping'', said Remus again. ''And I don't want you to plant any ideas in my head, because let's face it, who could ever fancy a monster?''

''Enough.'' It was Sirius who was talking now, and his voice had a sharp determination that almost shocked the others. Still sitting on the floor, he had pulled out a cigarette of his pocket and lit it with his wand. A few seconds of silence went by, but he seemed unbothered.

''I need to take a shower'', James mumbled. ''This whole thing was stupid. I'm sorry.''

''Just talk to me if it's bothering you, okay?'' said Remus. James nodded, grabbed his towel and disappeared in to the bathroom. The silence returned to the room, and Remus tried to focus on breathing while unpacking his school bag. He could only feel the smell of smoke, but he was used to it by now.

''I hate it when you talk like that'', said a voice from the floor. Remus could not see Sirius, but he did not have to.

''Like what?''

''Like you did. About yourself.''

Remus flushed again. Nothing made him as uncomfortable than discussing his insecurities, and he deeply regretted mentioning them.

''We don't have to talk about it'', said Sirius, as if he had read Remus' mind. ''Just know that you're wrong.''

''Thanks, I guess.''

''Where did the rat go? _OUCH,_ fuck off, Pettigrew, you didn't have to bite me, you could have just announced your location. Stop making that noise, I don't know how to... _ARGH! BITE ME ONE MORE TIME AND I SWEAR TO MERLIN…_ God, Remus, help him, do something, please.''

Remus, happy that the topic had changed, kneeled next to Sirius and took the rat he handed him. He put it down on the floor, casted the correct spell, and Peter immediately turned back to normal.

''Glad to know I can count on you, lads'', he said with an upset voice. ''That you won't just get caught up in your drama and forget about me. That would be awful.''

''We didn't forget you, Pete'', said Sirius calmly and took a drag of his cigarette. ''We prioritized.''

''I hope it was worth it.''

''It was.''

''Bugger off, Black.''

''James will be okay, right?'' said Remus with a worried look towards the door to the bathroom.

''Don't worry about it'', said Sirius. ''He's always like this when it comes to Evans.''

''If anything I think my friendship with Lily can help'', said Remus. ''I can put in a word for him.''

''If you say so. But if you and Lily become, like, a thing…''

''Don't even go there. I would never do that to James. And Lily would never do that to herself.''

''Remus!''

''Sorry.'' He found his pajamas, crawled into bed and closed his curtains. ''I'm tired. Good night, lads.''

''Good night, Moons.''


End file.
